August 08, 2011

I took these to remember you, on the day I saw you lowered to the ground; the day I laid my rose onto the soil that covered you; the day I bid you farewell, in the little town I first knew you; the day I saw your physical frame for the last time; and for another, to remember you too.

This Song Reminds Me Of You

"MawMaw's Song" by Bart Millard

Seven years old upon my knees
On the third row pew, trying to see
My grandmamma sing In the Sweet By and By
It wasn't the sweetest soundin' thing
But there's somethin' about when grandmamma sang
That moved your feet, stirred something up inside

To see her grin from ear to ear
One thing for sure was very clear
This wasn't just a song
It was her life

(Chorus:)
In the sweet by and by
We shall meet on that beautiful shore
In the sweet by and by
We shall meet on that beautiful shore

Now times have changed to say the least
My grandmamma's voice, a memory
Just like the old song said, she's on that shore
And she's looking down on me
I hope she's proud of what she sees
Cause thanks to her I'm walkin' with the Lord

Oh to hear her once again
Wrap herself around that hymn
Lord, if I could just go back once more

(Chorus)

There's a land that is fairer than day
By faith we can see it afar
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there

Oh I can hear her singing along 



"Rest In Peace - August 04, 2011"

This Song

Today, I remember you once more.

I heard your voice in my head,

Saw the smiles you gave,

And my heart withstood no longer.

It is not the regrets,

For there are none.

It is the spot I glance at,

And every single time I look,

The place lies empty.

You are no longer,

Where I want or wish you to be.

This song reminds me of you.

I cannot listen to it, without thinking of you,

Or pouring my heart out

In drips of tears.

I miss you.

I miss your whimsical smiles.

The little things you tell me about you.

The stories you share.

I miss the "let-me-downs" you reveal.

The heartaches and pains you bear.

The quiet griefs you take on.

Even the anger spats you have.

I miss dearly the mischievous and humourous side of you.

I won't give anything to have you back here;

But I just want you to know I miss you.

I would like to have you here, of course,

And yet, to have you suffer would be selfishness on my part.

Thus, I let you go again.

Don't tell me not to cry,

Because I will.

I will weep and remember,

Until the ache lies dormant.

I see you in the blue skies;

In the songs, you linger.

I hear you in my heart;

Your smiles, in my memories, deeply carved.

Rest in peace, my dear one.

"In the sweet by and by,

We shall meet on that beautiful shore."

Surreal

I can't believe still you are gone.

Wake me up from this slumber;

And perhaps, just perhaps,

I will find 'twas a mere dream.

Yet, I awake every time,

To discover,

Your presence has fled the earth;

And I startle to life,

Only to weep my heart out,

At this strange event.

Real sleep comes, but rare;

I rove the world of words instead,

Searching for ways to write my soul,

And set free,

My bleeding heart.

I know you will tell me not cry;

I know you are happy at Home;

But I cannot dismiss,

Years of memories,

For a demise.

- requiescat in pace -

Are You Sad?

"Are You Sad?" by Our Lady Peace

Your life has been so hard
It's dried up angels, can't keep guard
I'm trying to reach your hand
But I'm on fire
I never meant to fade... away
Stay with me
Oh just stop pretending when they say you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..
x2

I'm drowning inside your head
Help me to answer
Help understand
Why it's been so long since we talked like friends
Oh please, forgive me,
I'm just a man
Whose made mistakes
Oh just stop pretending when they say you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be
x2

Oh ho oh....

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be
x2

Oh ho oh....

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
You shouldn't be
x4

Tonight

It drizzled, and rained, at alternate times the whole of yesterday. They say when it rains, it means God is crying and is sad.

I should let you go...

But it breaks my heart to.

You finally found a place to belong;

A place, where you will forever be happy,

And shed tears no more.

I should let you go.

This picture is for you; taken yesterday.

- RIP -

This Is Home

"This is Home" by Switchfoot

I've got my memories

Always inside of me

But I can't go back

Back to how it was

I believe you now

I've come too far

No I can't go back

Back to how it was

Created for a place I've never known

[Chorus]

This is home

Now I'm finally where I belong

Where I belong

Yeah, this is home

I've been searching for a place of my own

Now I've found it

Maybe this is home

This is home

Belief over misery

I've seen the enemy

And I won't go back

Back to how it was

And I got my heart set on what happens next

I got my eyes wide it's not over yet

We are miracles and we're not alone

[Chorus]

And now after all my searching

After all my questions

I'm gonna call it home

I've got a brand new mindset

I can finally see the sunset

I'm gonna call it home

[Chorus]

Now I know

Yeah, this is home

I've come too far

And I won't go back

Yeah, this is home

So She Dances

"So She Dances" by Josh Groban

A waltz when she walks in the room

She pulls back the hair from her face

She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight

Even her shadow has grace

A waltz for the girl out of reach

She lifts her hands up to the sky

She moves with the music

The song is her lover

The melody's making her cry

So she dances

In and out of the crowd like a glance

This romance is

From afar calling me silently

A waltz for the chance I should take

But how will I know where to start?

She's spinning between constellations and dreams

Her rhythm is my beating heart

So she dances

In and out of the crowd like a glance

This romance is

From afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever

I give up this view just to tell her

When I close my eyes I can see

The spotlights are bright on you and me

We've got the floor

And you're in my arms

How could I ask for more?

So she dances

In and out of the crowd like a glance

This romance is

From afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever

And I'm giving up this view just to tell her

(For Grandmama)

Too Far Now

You slipped from our grasps,

In the kiss of a moment.

No farewells, no last looks;

You silently left,

And returned to the place,

You once called, Home.

Why did you not stay a little while longer?

Your heart, so fragile and cracked,

Could not, perhaps,

Withstand the agony you quietly held within.

And yet, my heart grieves,

I did not get to have you a little while longer;

That you are too far away now

For me to have that last look

I usually take, whenever I say, "Goodbye,"

Here on earth.

Perhaps Heaven deemed it fit

That your time had come;

Or perhaps, He merely thought you'd be happier back Home,
With Granddad.

I begrudge not,

The Creator, Who gave me to you,

As your granddaughter;

But I have not accepted the fact,

That you will no longer be around;

That you had to leave, alone;

That you had to bear it out,

And suffer, inside.

I know Heaven and Granddad hath awaited long for you;

I know they welcomed you this morning,

At 06:20.

You lingered long enough for us,

To save enough memories;

I ought to let go,

But it is so hard to;

I never thought I'd see you leave this soon.

Your last words were to tell me,

You had prayed for me.

You are much better off on the Other Side;

Forgive the many tears I have shed,

And will do so.

I will be strong and patient,

As you have shown me so, countless of times.

Wait for me;

And I know you and Granddad will look down on me,

With love.

I love you, Poh Poh.

Rest In Peace.


ad perpetuam memoriam of Madam Ling Nyuk Ying
AD 2011, 4th August
06:20am

Higher Window - Josh Groban

"Higher Window" by Josh Groban

For all the times I tried for this

And every chance at you I missed

I've been known to go my way but I confess

It made me miss you more

I drew my line across the sand

And set my flank in no man's land

But here I am the one man band

With a song that's meant for two

And there is a light

From a higher window

Shining down on you tonight

And the music floats on the breeze

Bringing an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table

Tell me what you want to do

Just don't tell me that it's too late

For me to love you

How perfect we were meant to be

Our warm and silent symmetry

It's times like these when all

All we need is to be reminded

And I have flown a thousand miles

To empty rooms and crowded aisles

And we went from cathedral bells

To show and tell and wish you wells

And I still look at you

And I am blinded

I am blinded

For all the times I tried for this

And every chance at you I missed

I've been known to go my way but I confess

It made me miss you more

I drew my line across the sand

And set my flank in no man's land

But here I am the one man band

With a song that's meant for two

And there is a light

From a higher window

Shining down on us tonight

And the music floats on the breeze

Bringing an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table

Tell me what you want to do

Just don't tell me that it's too late

Don't tell me that it's too late now

Just don't tell me that it's too late

For me to love you

Not Enough

anguish tears my soul apart;

shattered lies the shards to my heart.

always questioning,

always wondering,

which portion of me fits not the list.

blank is the canvas,

and shudders, the artist,

as the empty masterpiece is ripped,

from edge to edge.

no more answers;

no more pages to turn;

remains are the skeleton, once whole.

is there reprieve,

from the wailings of a soul?

will the shutters stay closed,

and I be seen no more?

deserted is the now;

I stretch my hand out,

but the air swirls around it instead,

and once more, I am left grasping,

pain ensuing,

knowing-

it wasn't enough.

Except For Now

Wishful thinking.

Hopes.

Waiting.

Love.

Four hours of staring at the screen.

Eyes, stark and wide opened.

No relief from the waves of pain.

Just burial and forced ignorance.

Tears and strength fight for the upper hand.

No winner as of yet.

Morning approaches;

Refusal to acknowledge the sun,

Spurs my quest of wakefulness.

Never have I fought so hard.

Never have I driven this far.

Never have I pushed for, that long.

Never have I striven on too carefully.

Except for now.

I have arrived at a spot, where the road is too narrow for a u-turn; and all I see ahead is a curved and winding lane. I will take it, wherever it goes. I will walk, when the oil runs dry. I will run, arms held high, and heart open. I won't back down, or turn back. I said "yes." And yes, it is; and yes, it will ever be.

Enroute To 2011

I did not realize how fast time had gone by. Having just checked my online journal, I am staggered by the date of the last post! Ah well. Life catches up on us one day or another. It's been approximately a year plus, since the previous serious entry. (The one posted just now doesn't really count.)

In about two and a half more weeks, 2010 will be no more. I state that, not with much glee or lightness of spirit; it is thus said, with quite a sinking and troubled heart. 2011 is going to be so different. I'm not sure where to start, or what to start with. All I know is everything is beginning to change. Change has already begun; and it will keep on moving at the speed of light. Are we able to run alongside with it? Or will we be left behind? Speaking of which, if Jesus comes back tomorrow, will we be the remnant here on Earth?

Hmmm, that's a thought...

Anyhow, I wish whoever reads this journal of mine a Blessed Christmas, and a most Blessed New Year. May 2011 be a year that's not solely about "us," and our wants and small-hearted offences; but more about how we can each play an important role in the lives of others, especially the less fortunate ones. Not forgetting, to be all that Jesus has planned us to be.

'Til the next time.

Love,

 - M

Goodbyes And Lies: Fourteen Days

They say there are some "goodbyes" that are meant to be for the better of you. They also say, some lies are for protection. What you don't know, won't kill you. In essence, it's the things that you didn't know- The lies told for "safety"- Are actually the ones that suffocate the life out of you. True- What you don't know, won't kill you. It won't. At least, not immediately. They won't be accused of homicide, because by the time, the jury deems "not guilty," you are already gone. No signs of a struggle.

So, goodbyes and lies. Descartes said to choose the lesser of two evils. Which would be more preferable? I reckon a goodbye is better than a lie. One can survive a farewell; but a lie is simply too difficult to digest. You'd be constantly, constantly, AND constantly doubting. Forgiveness is a must; forgetting isn't. The first is easy; the latter, not. And yet, no matter how many lies, the heart is a brutal riddle- For, one side will live in everyday reminders and break into splinters all over again, while the other part will forgive and overlook. And still hold affection. What is it about humanity that causes two sides to be created, and yet, they can't be reconciled?

To lie would be to eventually doubt the truth yourself. Lying effectively to another makes you a liar- To your own self. Better to be a brutally honest person, and save one, than to evade, and damn your fellow mortal.

The Three F's

Today, the speaker at church spoke on the frailty of life. It's been awhile that I've actually taken note of what the guy on the pulpit says - Not because I've been playing hooky, but simply because there were some messages that never made it to the 'relevant' list. However, George Ong, an itinerant preacher, touched on three points of life that I reckoned were spot-on.

The Three F's - Summarized [II Timothy 4:6-8]

1] Fragility, v. 6, (I think it's correct- Been frantically ransacking my memory for the first one, but it's not popping up; hence, I settled on the next best synonym.)
It's an understood truth that life is fleeting. Here for the now, gone the next time you turn around. But, if life is fleeting, what are we doing with it?

2] Finality - v. 7
Besides the frailty of one's breath, there is a certain sense of finality to it. No matter how we slow down the process of ageing, or psych ourselves that it's a long way away, death is the final end we all face. If life is sealed with a final note, are we ensuring that our lives are lived out, with an end-view in mind? Are we going to finish this God-given race on a triumphant sound? It is not good enough to start well; but the most important thing to remember is, how we end.

3] Finale - v. 8
The Grand Finale, where after we live lives worthy of Christ, we rejoin our Saviour and Father in His Heavenly Kingdom. Simple, no? But then, how many of us are actually making US count here on Earth?

A few days ago, I was reminded of my own mortality. Rushing down the stairs and out of school, I had only one thing on my mind- "Time is short. [Perfect irony?] Need to get the CD for my dance ensemble from the car." And so, I failed to look out for cars. Just as I ran out onto the road, a black Honda came on my right side, driving at quite a fast speed. You know how they say your life flashes in front of your eyes for the final five seconds? Clichéd statement. The only thing that ran through my mind, as both the car and I skidded to an individual halt was, 'Oh my goodness. I ALMOST got knocked by a car!'

Needless to say, the last couple of weeks, incidences have served to warn and remind me that my life is not my own. Neither is it guaranteed. A couple of near accidents, whilst driving- Logically, they couldn't even have taken place; but they almost did. The most recent was the earthquake tremors - Well, so it's impossible for a building in Kota Kemuning to collapse, seeing the disaster was happening in Indonesia. However, I was all alone at work, on the second floor, with the cleaners just leaving. Initially, I thought it was just me feeling 'off,' as I'd injured my back quite badly earlier, twice. But the vibrations I felt were way too strong for someone in a dizzy state; not to mention, I sat very, very still, kind of held my breath, but still saw my legs moving! The long and short of it is, go read the aftermath in the papers of those folks, who had to evacuate from their apartments, or the pregnant woman, who was trapped for hours. The earthquake didn't happen in Malaysia; nothing collapsed; no tsunami; BUT the signs are there to ...

Tell me and you that time is running out. We have only one life to live. One life to give. What are we doing with this gift? Are we running this race well?

If I Don't See You Soon

If I don't see you soon,
Just know you are
A constant in the equation.
We may fall apart,
Abide by the great divide,
But you'll always be,
A number in the equation.

If I don't see you soon,
It's okay by me, and us;
Just know a fact rarely changes,
And we're not just another theory,
Waiting to be disproved!

If I don't see you soon,
Just remember,
Yesterday was where I believed;
Today is where I stand;
And tomorrow will see,
Me holding on, still strong;
What about you?

So if I don't see you soon enough,
It's okay;
Mother Nature continues,
Putting on a wondrous display,
Of beauty before me;
I won't crumble,
Shuffle my feet in the sand;
I'll be building real castles,
And living my reality.

Just know;
Just know -
You + Me = Us.

And I'll see you someday.
Somewhere.
Over the rainbow,
Maybe?

In The Throes Of September

It is in times of adversity and pain/angst that you realize and know who your friends truly are. I'm going to write this post, as though there'd be no 'audience' to read it later. A genius is not needed to conclude that life has been a little bumpy of late, neither is there a want to elaborate on the growing hills. Strange how life can turn upside down in a matter of one minute. Funny how we plan and dream, only to have them crumble into pieces, because of something, or someone. Nothing is ever guaranteed.

And yet, life doesn't stop. The cycle continuously flows, with nothing to stop, or hinder its path. Henceforth, if we stumble, and find a blockage in our way, do we give up, because to our finite minds and eyes, we CANNOT see a road out? Or is it a pause, where we recollect our thoughts, seek upwards for wisdom, and discover a route from the temporary problem?

The last few days have been trying, to say the least. Broken would be the understatement of the year. Sarcasm, cynicism, resentment, and blossoming hatred struggle to overpower common sense, forgiveness, love, and patience. I constantly arrive at that weak spot, where a combination of my head and heart says, "Fine. If that's the way, so be it. I'll never come back. Etc." But, when I am in my quietest moments, weeping and exhausted, these words flash: "Just give it up, Mag. Let it go, forget, walk on, and don't look back, if that is the way the other party wants it to be. Give it up; and go on living life. Forgive."

A rocket scientist is never going to have a clue on how to sort a mortal heart out.

I suppose this is as how much I wish to write. The next few months, until the year ends, will be spent, amongst other important parts, deciphering my heart, and charting my life course once more. Fall down, scrape your knee, but make sure you can stand right again, and know how to clean yourself up. Broken, but not in pieces. Weak, and yet, still strong.

Before I close off, there are some people I am thankful for. I don't know, if you'll ever read this post on this online journal, but to those whose names are mentioned, thank you.

- Uncle Fredy

- Jojo

- Mez

- Rosie

- Dan

And last, but not least, to "pink pigs that fly" - If you read this - I will make it.

xx Madge xx

Goodbye Is Not Too Hard To Say

If you had, but one goodbye,

What would it be?

To whom would you bestow your cherished farewell?

~

Smile the sweetest smile ever;

Remember, it's not the end yet;

For life stops not,

At the wave of one's hand,

But sails swiftly on,

Quicker than your eye can behold.

~

Would you fall apart,

Weep tears,

Even when there are none left to spare?

~

Is your heart that fragile,

Where it can't handle,

The brutality that life can bring?

~

Smile the loveliest smile always;

Forget not,

The ones that grace you,

Used to light up someone's world.

~

If you had one last farewell,

How would it be like?

Stained with tears?

Or kissed by the prospect of happy tomorrows?