August 08, 2011

I took these to remember you, on the day I saw you lowered to the ground; the day I laid my rose onto the soil that covered you; the day I bid you farewell, in the little town I first knew you; the day I saw your physical frame for the last time; and for another, to remember you too.

This Song Reminds Me Of You

"MawMaw's Song" by Bart Millard

Seven years old upon my knees
On the third row pew, trying to see
My grandmamma sing In the Sweet By and By
It wasn't the sweetest soundin' thing
But there's somethin' about when grandmamma sang
That moved your feet, stirred something up inside

To see her grin from ear to ear
One thing for sure was very clear
This wasn't just a song
It was her life

(Chorus:)
In the sweet by and by
We shall meet on that beautiful shore
In the sweet by and by
We shall meet on that beautiful shore

Now times have changed to say the least
My grandmamma's voice, a memory
Just like the old song said, she's on that shore
And she's looking down on me
I hope she's proud of what she sees
Cause thanks to her I'm walkin' with the Lord

Oh to hear her once again
Wrap herself around that hymn
Lord, if I could just go back once more

(Chorus)

There's a land that is fairer than day
By faith we can see it afar
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there

Oh I can hear her singing along 



"Rest In Peace - August 04, 2011"

This Song

Today, I remember you once more.

I heard your voice in my head,

Saw the smiles you gave,

And my heart withstood no longer.

It is not the regrets,

For there are none.

It is the spot I glance at,

And every single time I look,

The place lies empty.

You are no longer,

Where I want or wish you to be.

This song reminds me of you.

I cannot listen to it, without thinking of you,

Or pouring my heart out

In drips of tears.

I miss you.

I miss your whimsical smiles.

The little things you tell me about you.

The stories you share.

I miss the "let-me-downs" you reveal.

The heartaches and pains you bear.

The quiet griefs you take on.

Even the anger spats you have.

I miss dearly the mischievous and humourous side of you.

I won't give anything to have you back here;

But I just want you to know I miss you.

I would like to have you here, of course,

And yet, to have you suffer would be selfishness on my part.

Thus, I let you go again.

Don't tell me not to cry,

Because I will.

I will weep and remember,

Until the ache lies dormant.

I see you in the blue skies;

In the songs, you linger.

I hear you in my heart;

Your smiles, in my memories, deeply carved.

Rest in peace, my dear one.

"In the sweet by and by,

We shall meet on that beautiful shore."

Surreal

I can't believe still you are gone.

Wake me up from this slumber;

And perhaps, just perhaps,

I will find 'twas a mere dream.

Yet, I awake every time,

To discover,

Your presence has fled the earth;

And I startle to life,

Only to weep my heart out,

At this strange event.

Real sleep comes, but rare;

I rove the world of words instead,

Searching for ways to write my soul,

And set free,

My bleeding heart.

I know you will tell me not cry;

I know you are happy at Home;

But I cannot dismiss,

Years of memories,

For a demise.

- requiescat in pace -

Are You Sad?

"Are You Sad?" by Our Lady Peace

Your life has been so hard
It's dried up angels, can't keep guard
I'm trying to reach your hand
But I'm on fire
I never meant to fade... away
Stay with me
Oh just stop pretending when they say you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..
x2

I'm drowning inside your head
Help me to answer
Help understand
Why it's been so long since we talked like friends
Oh please, forgive me,
I'm just a man
Whose made mistakes
Oh just stop pretending when they say you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be
x2

Oh ho oh....

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be
x2

Oh ho oh....

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
You shouldn't be
x4

Tonight

It drizzled, and rained, at alternate times the whole of yesterday. They say when it rains, it means God is crying and is sad.

I should let you go...

But it breaks my heart to.

You finally found a place to belong;

A place, where you will forever be happy,

And shed tears no more.

I should let you go.

This picture is for you; taken yesterday.

- RIP -

This Is Home

"This is Home" by Switchfoot

I've got my memories

Always inside of me

But I can't go back

Back to how it was

I believe you now

I've come too far

No I can't go back

Back to how it was

Created for a place I've never known

[Chorus]

This is home

Now I'm finally where I belong

Where I belong

Yeah, this is home

I've been searching for a place of my own

Now I've found it

Maybe this is home

This is home

Belief over misery

I've seen the enemy

And I won't go back

Back to how it was

And I got my heart set on what happens next

I got my eyes wide it's not over yet

We are miracles and we're not alone

[Chorus]

And now after all my searching

After all my questions

I'm gonna call it home

I've got a brand new mindset

I can finally see the sunset

I'm gonna call it home

[Chorus]

Now I know

Yeah, this is home

I've come too far

And I won't go back

Yeah, this is home

So She Dances

"So She Dances" by Josh Groban

A waltz when she walks in the room

She pulls back the hair from her face

She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight

Even her shadow has grace

A waltz for the girl out of reach

She lifts her hands up to the sky

She moves with the music

The song is her lover

The melody's making her cry

So she dances

In and out of the crowd like a glance

This romance is

From afar calling me silently

A waltz for the chance I should take

But how will I know where to start?

She's spinning between constellations and dreams

Her rhythm is my beating heart

So she dances

In and out of the crowd like a glance

This romance is

From afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever

I give up this view just to tell her

When I close my eyes I can see

The spotlights are bright on you and me

We've got the floor

And you're in my arms

How could I ask for more?

So she dances

In and out of the crowd like a glance

This romance is

From afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever

And I'm giving up this view just to tell her

(For Grandmama)

Too Far Now

You slipped from our grasps,

In the kiss of a moment.

No farewells, no last looks;

You silently left,

And returned to the place,

You once called, Home.

Why did you not stay a little while longer?

Your heart, so fragile and cracked,

Could not, perhaps,

Withstand the agony you quietly held within.

And yet, my heart grieves,

I did not get to have you a little while longer;

That you are too far away now

For me to have that last look

I usually take, whenever I say, "Goodbye,"

Here on earth.

Perhaps Heaven deemed it fit

That your time had come;

Or perhaps, He merely thought you'd be happier back Home,
With Granddad.

I begrudge not,

The Creator, Who gave me to you,

As your granddaughter;

But I have not accepted the fact,

That you will no longer be around;

That you had to leave, alone;

That you had to bear it out,

And suffer, inside.

I know Heaven and Granddad hath awaited long for you;

I know they welcomed you this morning,

At 06:20.

You lingered long enough for us,

To save enough memories;

I ought to let go,

But it is so hard to;

I never thought I'd see you leave this soon.

Your last words were to tell me,

You had prayed for me.

You are much better off on the Other Side;

Forgive the many tears I have shed,

And will do so.

I will be strong and patient,

As you have shown me so, countless of times.

Wait for me;

And I know you and Granddad will look down on me,

With love.

I love you, Poh Poh.

Rest In Peace.


ad perpetuam memoriam of Madam Ling Nyuk Ying
AD 2011, 4th August
06:20am

Not Enough

anguish tears my soul apart;

shattered lies the shards to my heart.

always questioning,

always wondering,

which portion of me fits not the list.

blank is the canvas,

and shudders, the artist,

as the empty masterpiece is ripped,

from edge to edge.

no more answers;

no more pages to turn;

remains are the skeleton, once whole.

is there reprieve,

from the wailings of a soul?

will the shutters stay closed,

and I be seen no more?

deserted is the now;

I stretch my hand out,

but the air swirls around it instead,

and once more, I am left grasping,

pain ensuing,

knowing-

it wasn't enough.

Except For Now

Wishful thinking.

Hopes.

Waiting.

Love.

Four hours of staring at the screen.

Eyes, stark and wide opened.

No relief from the waves of pain.

Just burial and forced ignorance.

Tears and strength fight for the upper hand.

No winner as of yet.

Morning approaches;

Refusal to acknowledge the sun,

Spurs my quest of wakefulness.

Never have I fought so hard.

Never have I driven this far.

Never have I pushed for, that long.

Never have I striven on too carefully.

Except for now.

I have arrived at a spot, where the road is too narrow for a u-turn; and all I see ahead is a curved and winding lane. I will take it, wherever it goes. I will walk, when the oil runs dry. I will run, arms held high, and heart open. I won't back down, or turn back. I said "yes." And yes, it is; and yes, it will ever be.

Trust

Can you be trusted?

Trust is expensive. It is of worth. Value. Trust is an honour.

What happens when you become untrustworthy?

Is it worth placing trust into one, who has repeatedly broken down its walls?

I wonder: If the wound heals and becomes a scab, eventually, it will scar; will the scar remain for always? Time heals wounds, or so they say. But "they" never said anything about scars.

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel"

 

- Papa Roach

Enroute To 2011

I did not realize how fast time had gone by. Having just checked my online journal, I am staggered by the date of the last post! Ah well. Life catches up on us one day or another. It's been approximately a year plus, since the previous serious entry. (The one posted just now doesn't really count.)

In about two and a half more weeks, 2010 will be no more. I state that, not with much glee or lightness of spirit; it is thus said, with quite a sinking and troubled heart. 2011 is going to be so different. I'm not sure where to start, or what to start with. All I know is everything is beginning to change. Change has already begun; and it will keep on moving at the speed of light. Are we able to run alongside with it? Or will we be left behind? Speaking of which, if Jesus comes back tomorrow, will we be the remnant here on Earth?

Hmmm, that's a thought...

Anyhow, I wish whoever reads this journal of mine a Blessed Christmas, and a most Blessed New Year. May 2011 be a year that's not solely about "us," and our wants and small-hearted offences; but more about how we can each play an important role in the lives of others, especially the less fortunate ones. Not forgetting, to be all that Jesus has planned us to be.

'Til the next time.

Love,

 - M

The Three F's

Today, the speaker at church spoke on the frailty of life. It's been awhile that I've actually taken note of what the guy on the pulpit says - Not because I've been playing hooky, but simply because there were some messages that never made it to the 'relevant' list. However, George Ong, an itinerant preacher, touched on three points of life that I reckoned were spot-on.

The Three F's - Summarized [II Timothy 4:6-8]

1] Fragility, v. 6, (I think it's correct- Been frantically ransacking my memory for the first one, but it's not popping up; hence, I settled on the next best synonym.)
It's an understood truth that life is fleeting. Here for the now, gone the next time you turn around. But, if life is fleeting, what are we doing with it?

2] Finality - v. 7
Besides the frailty of one's breath, there is a certain sense of finality to it. No matter how we slow down the process of ageing, or psych ourselves that it's a long way away, death is the final end we all face. If life is sealed with a final note, are we ensuring that our lives are lived out, with an end-view in mind? Are we going to finish this God-given race on a triumphant sound? It is not good enough to start well; but the most important thing to remember is, how we end.

3] Finale - v. 8
The Grand Finale, where after we live lives worthy of Christ, we rejoin our Saviour and Father in His Heavenly Kingdom. Simple, no? But then, how many of us are actually making US count here on Earth?

A few days ago, I was reminded of my own mortality. Rushing down the stairs and out of school, I had only one thing on my mind- "Time is short. [Perfect irony?] Need to get the CD for my dance ensemble from the car." And so, I failed to look out for cars. Just as I ran out onto the road, a black Honda came on my right side, driving at quite a fast speed. You know how they say your life flashes in front of your eyes for the final five seconds? Clichéd statement. The only thing that ran through my mind, as both the car and I skidded to an individual halt was, 'Oh my goodness. I ALMOST got knocked by a car!'

Needless to say, the last couple of weeks, incidences have served to warn and remind me that my life is not my own. Neither is it guaranteed. A couple of near accidents, whilst driving- Logically, they couldn't even have taken place; but they almost did. The most recent was the earthquake tremors - Well, so it's impossible for a building in Kota Kemuning to collapse, seeing the disaster was happening in Indonesia. However, I was all alone at work, on the second floor, with the cleaners just leaving. Initially, I thought it was just me feeling 'off,' as I'd injured my back quite badly earlier, twice. But the vibrations I felt were way too strong for someone in a dizzy state; not to mention, I sat very, very still, kind of held my breath, but still saw my legs moving! The long and short of it is, go read the aftermath in the papers of those folks, who had to evacuate from their apartments, or the pregnant woman, who was trapped for hours. The earthquake didn't happen in Malaysia; nothing collapsed; no tsunami; BUT the signs are there to ...

Tell me and you that time is running out. We have only one life to live. One life to give. What are we doing with this gift? Are we running this race well?

Dum-Di-Dum-Dum

It's a bittersweet feeling;
If it could be a flavour,
I'd call it 'tangy.'
You added varying colours;
You were sugar and salt,
A mixture I could never fathom,
But loved.


Dum-di-dum-dum!
That's what we were;
That's what we were.


And so I was your daylight,
With no saving hours;
Always that shining star,
Though the night be as jet-black;
You were the pulling force,
The one, who brought it all together,
Even if you were north,
And I, south.


Dum-di-dum-dum.
And that's what we were;
That's what we were.


You can't separate,
The blend of spices,
That gives its unique, aromatic flavour;
You can't divide,
The blue from green,
In the colour, turquoise;
You can't distinguish,
The different notes,
From a musical piece being played.
And that makes us,
Us.


Dum-di-dum-dum.
That's what we were,
That is what we will ever be;
I may be east,
You may be west,
But no colliding force,
Will be as strong,
As the one that has our hearts.


And so we will be;
And so we will.

Home

Afar from distant shores,

The lights slowly fade,

And the Visitor slumps,

In a reverie of disappointment.

As the moon delicately

Takes on its soft glow,

He raises his head,

Muses and sighs.

What's in a word?

Home -

Reverently breathed,

A desperation clamped

In the hearts of many.

It's the heartbeat of man;

A pulse that lingers in his breast,

Even when death stands at the door.

What's in this word?

"Home" -

Therein is the strength for the seeker;

Hope for the weary,

And life for the soulless;

Sweet aroma,

From across horizons;

And a simple four-letter word,

Which pulsates in every being,

Regardless.

And so the Visitor lifts his head;

Tugging at him,

Are the melodic strains

Of a faint song,

That reaches him,

Like a breezy fragrance.

In it,

He hears the song,

Of a place he knows well;

'Twas the call of Home.

In The Throes Of September

It is in times of adversity and pain/angst that you realize and know who your friends truly are. I'm going to write this post, as though there'd be no 'audience' to read it later. A genius is not needed to conclude that life has been a little bumpy of late, neither is there a want to elaborate on the growing hills. Strange how life can turn upside down in a matter of one minute. Funny how we plan and dream, only to have them crumble into pieces, because of something, or someone. Nothing is ever guaranteed.

And yet, life doesn't stop. The cycle continuously flows, with nothing to stop, or hinder its path. Henceforth, if we stumble, and find a blockage in our way, do we give up, because to our finite minds and eyes, we CANNOT see a road out? Or is it a pause, where we recollect our thoughts, seek upwards for wisdom, and discover a route from the temporary problem?

The last few days have been trying, to say the least. Broken would be the understatement of the year. Sarcasm, cynicism, resentment, and blossoming hatred struggle to overpower common sense, forgiveness, love, and patience. I constantly arrive at that weak spot, where a combination of my head and heart says, "Fine. If that's the way, so be it. I'll never come back. Etc." But, when I am in my quietest moments, weeping and exhausted, these words flash: "Just give it up, Mag. Let it go, forget, walk on, and don't look back, if that is the way the other party wants it to be. Give it up; and go on living life. Forgive."

A rocket scientist is never going to have a clue on how to sort a mortal heart out.

I suppose this is as how much I wish to write. The next few months, until the year ends, will be spent, amongst other important parts, deciphering my heart, and charting my life course once more. Fall down, scrape your knee, but make sure you can stand right again, and know how to clean yourself up. Broken, but not in pieces. Weak, and yet, still strong.

Before I close off, there are some people I am thankful for. I don't know, if you'll ever read this post on this online journal, but to those whose names are mentioned, thank you.

- Uncle Fredy

- Jojo

- Mez

- Rosie

- Dan

And last, but not least, to "pink pigs that fly" - If you read this - I will make it.

xx Madge xx

Diversion From The Usual

Cuppa Cappuccino at Pizza Uno

- Thought the heart-shape was a sweet touch.

Eddy's "Manual" Cappuccino

- Probably looks different than your usual cup of cappuccino,

but was pleasurable enough.

- This is one salmon dish you have to try,
if you ever go to Italiannies. I can't recall the particular name,

but it's heaven.

Sampled at Mum's recent birthday dinner.

Seafood Risotto

- Ehm, a dish one should have,

only if you are crazily famished. Also, if you are not fussy

about flavour, then by all means, go for it. Rather bland.

"And So You're Leaving . . .?"

It's a little hard, when friends leave. However, that's probably one of life's favoured cycles - Friends come and go; people go in and out; and loved-ones will somehow also end up making a bright entrance, but exiting as well.

But yes, life goes, despite of the ones, on whom you place considerable esteem or importance, leave. Just keep on holding to those friendships you think are worth more than the things you own in this world, and keep living that life of yours. Make things count. Make life count. Make yourself count. At the end of the day, don't forget for Whom you should be making everything count.

Unfinished/Untitled - 04. 14. 09

Walk past the milestones;
They show you have come thus far.
Never to forget,
Always to remember,
Those moments of hell,
And days of grace.